Mar 29, 2011 RSS Subscribe

Monkey Chatter - Tennis Tales

Our happiness and the state of our relationships are impacted by the stories we tell ourselves. So much of it has to do with our assumptions about what the other person’s intentions are in what they say to us. We make assumptions based on how we feel about what they have said. So the key is to tell ourselves another, more positive story – which is easier said than done.

Here is a story of how I was faced with this challenge directly when I played in my very first tennis tournament. This was a local mixed doubles charity tournament. Teams are made up by ranking each of the male and female players. I was ranked the number 17 woman - not too bad you say? Well there were only 17 women in the tournament. One of my competitors provided the following encouragement: "Oh we knew you would get the tennis instructor because you are the weakest player here" (and he is the best). "It will be good for you to play with stronger players".

When the tennis tournament starts I am wound as tight as a top. I am very nervous and I can barely hit a ball. To make matters worse our first competitor was the lovely lady who had made cracks about me the night before! So there I am on the courts and it is like I have forgotten everything I have learned in my 10 pathetic years of lessons. I have a death grip on my racquet and I am having trouble making a connection between the ball and the racquet. My instructor is trying to encourage me. Don't worry Di, just have fun, it doesn't matter. I was awful but what was worse was my attitude. On the changeovers I was sulking. "I can't believe how badly I am playing" This is terrible. I am so embarrassed... This went on for the entire match. Finally in desperation my tennis instructor said to me "Diane this is supposed to be fun. I am working my ass off here. All I am asking of you is to stop being so negative and try and have some fun".

My inside voice started sounding off. "He can’t talk to me like that. Doesn’t he understand how stressful this is for me? It was his idea that I play in this tournament. What a jerk." I had a few other choice words going through my head that I prefer not to share! I was fuming and there was smoke coming out of my ears. I did start to play a bit better and I didn’t utter another word for the rest of the match. We were able to win the match as my instructor took control and starting leaping in front of me to hit balls. When the match was over I was a little standoffish as I was still ticked with his earlier comments. Then he laid the bomb - "You know Diane I have to tell you that match wasn’t much fun. It is like me organizing a big party for you and you not showing up".

Now I was really choked. He was being insensitive to the stress I was under. What an arrogant so and so... I stormed off to the bathroom and I burst into tears.

I took a moment and I started to think it over. You know he may have been a little insensitive in his delivery but his message was accurate. He was just asking me to try and lighten up and have fun. Nobody enjoys being around a sulking baby. I came out and I told him that he was right and my attitude stunk! I also let him know that I was hurt by how he delivered the message and he apologized too.

In our next match, I played a little better and I got better and better as the day went on. In the final match I rose to the occasion and we ended up winning the tournament. Yet better than winning for me was that I was able to negotiate with my inside voice and put my sulking behaviour aside.

Diane's Rule: Don’t assume you know what the other person’s intentions are based on how their words or behaviour impacts you.

Quote of the Week

"It's never too late—in fiction or in life—to revise."Nancy Thayer

This Week’s Challenge

When someone says or does something that you find hurtful, find a way to reframe it – to look at it in a more positive light.

Share This

Back To Top

Monkey Chatter - Sample Conversations

Mar 18, 2011

Sometimes a sample conversation is the best way to illustrate a point. If you still aren’t clear about monkey chatter ... Read More

Monkey Chatter - How To Relax

Mar 11, 2011

I am in Maui enjoying a mini work vacation with my husband. He is attending a meeting and my decision to accompany him is to ... Read More

Monkey Chatter - What is it?

Mar 04, 2011

This month we are going to look at the impact that "monkey chatter" has on our ability to have successful and productive conv... Read More